I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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