My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
