1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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