how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
