You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
