He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You were trust falling into bushes
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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