Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
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After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
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Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize