Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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