The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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