Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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