Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
