Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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