my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
where am i from again
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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