she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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