why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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