The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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