How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I would ride that face into the sunset
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
