I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
