Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
