i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
