i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
