babies were throwing up all over the place
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
