the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
