my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
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