i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
