Ambien. No doubt about it.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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