oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
