I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
