thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
