then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
