My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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