Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
