Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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