Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
bring money and cleavage
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
