So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
50% drunk capacity currently
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
