I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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