I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
