I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
