where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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