It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize