Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Its about making memories worth repressing
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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