I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
