I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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