sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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