he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
