Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
