Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
