I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
