I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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