i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
