I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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