You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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