I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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