Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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