i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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