dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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