I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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