you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
