I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
