The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
