***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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